Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Here are a few of my favorite attorney and lawyer jokes. I might add another ones later as well, this is just a beginning.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?

* How many can you afford?
* Three - one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.


What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!


What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.


How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then on the other.


How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?
Just say "Fees!"


"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."


A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"


What is brown and black and looks good on an attorney?
A Doberman.


What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A lawyer can take off his wing tips.


A lawyer died and found himself in Hell. The lawyer demanded to see the manager, and loudly complained about the accomodations, insisting that he be restored to his former lifestyle. The lawyer complained so long and so loudly that the Devil finally told the lawyer that he could return, but he would be required to send down the souls of his wife and children. The lawyer replied "so what's the catch?".


Funny lawyer quotes:

* There are three sorts of lawyers - able, unable and lamentable. - Robert Smith Surtees

* Whoever tells the best story wins. - John Quincy Adams

* A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth. - Patrick Murray

* Ignorance of the law excuses no man - from practicing it. - Adison Mizner

* In almost every case, you have to read between the lies. - Angie Papadakis

* A lawyer is a gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it for himself. - Lord Brougham

* A man is innocent until proven broke. - Anonymous